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she says,

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Thursday, May 28, 2009, 9:48 PM
A song to sing to.

Hey Jude.
Hey Jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart.
Then you can start to make it better.


I overslept this morning, and caused poor Cunzheng to miss Terminator altogether. We were supposed to watch it at Bishan today, but now because of me oversleeping it's being postponed to another day. I'm sorry cz. Not my first time oversleeping already, oh dear me =x

But but but.

It turned out to be, as he puts it, a blessing in disguise too. (:

And oh, the japanese foodcourt place in Northpoint has some really nice and affordable japanese food. Okay it isn't really entirely authentic japanese cuisine, but hey, the food's good. I loved the saucey gravy on my omelette rice, cos it tasted just like the gravy on the fish and chips at Fish n Co! Not bad, I say.

I've also decided to appeal for NUS fass. No harm in appealing, but I suppose if it isn't approved then so be it. I've tried.

So it's time for my book, and another song to sing to myself, as the night falls on this world till dawn comes again.

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009, 11:11 PM
rejected and disappointed.

I think it is the weather that is making me tired. It fluctuates faster than you can yell F**k-you-damned-weather-get-on-with-it .... you get the idea. Sorry if I'm getting a little pesky and annoyed here.

The white envelope of rejection letter came today, and it sat so quietly on my desk I almost didn't notice it. Yeah, NUS doesn't want to offer me anything.

My initial reaction was oh fish, it's here already so I read through every s i n g l e word on the piece of white paper. Guess I was hoping to find some enlightenment or hope, but no. Major disappointment, sigh. It's really not meant to be, so I don't wish to wait another round for the appeal results. NTU sociology, here I come.

I am so tired.

Of waiting, hoping, and waiting still. Now that the wait is over, I feel a little lighter... Yet very much apprehensive. Somebody please tell me what to do, what to expect? I could use some advice and guidance and reassurance here. Thanks.

Straight up now, tell me what I'm gonna do.

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Monday, May 25, 2009, 8:45 PM
i'm all choked up and you're okay.

Yup, decluttering the mess was therapeutic. Two pairs of hands are way faster than one. Thanks.

Why was I being upset and dull the past few days, I haven't quite figured it out yet. But I managed to release some of it today, after keeping it in for sometime now.

And I finally understood how you really felt back then. It is selfish of me to want more of you when I already have the best. But oh, I couldn't help myself.

I keep trying to catch a second glance of you, to commit you to my memory, but it's only a fleeting glance before you're gone. Always. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing you through my fingers, slipping away bit by bit, and it won't stop. And that scares me.

More often than not, what others may see, they may not say the nicest things. But I am your biased source. Because I want the best for you, no less.

So maybe one day I'll have to take a number, and be the one waiting for you to come around instead. I'll learn to be independent all over again.

Listening to Stand By Me, Shinee.

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Sunday, May 24, 2009, 10:35 PM
Hypothesis.

Fear is a room six feet by six feet, without any doors or windows.

And it hides, deeply buried like a box, in the heart.

I believe that when two full circles meet, they create an infinity.
An endless supply of ideas, dreams, and aspirations.
It is an entity, a whole.
And I suppose, it's meant to be everlasting.

Is it true then, that when you're whole, you cannot break into half to become two.
Or better still, can you join them back together again, like it used to be.

I fear not.

Because it's very hard to see where you're going, if you don't know what you're aiming for.

So I'll toss the box away, far far away.




Saturday, May 23, 2009, 3:58 PM
Round and round we go.

I don't mean to, but I have been telling lies.
I have been fibbing.

Spinning stories, intricate like the cobwebs.
Suppose one day this web of mine tears away.

What will you see.
Will you still recognise me.

More importantly, will I still recognise myself.
Maybe you won't mean to see this mess.

Because my ugliness and selfishness
Beckons you away, cruel.

For I don't like what I see in this mirror.
Frowning, in despair, in angry tears.

One night I awoke, you weren't there.
Only a faint, misty scent lingered.

How did this happen.
How long?

Murphy's Law.
I never had a slice of bread.
Particularly large and wide.
That did not fall upon the floor,
And always on the buttered side.


When I see the clouds in the sky, they are beautiful. They remind me of you.
Been hoping that things could be better, instead of waiting. I could use more patience.
Perhaps the tears will come again, a midsummer's night dream.

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Friday, May 22, 2009, 6:09 PM
Where to go?



Baby penguins are cute.

In fact, all small animals are cute. Baby birds, puppies, kittens, ponies, hamsters etc. etc. They have this quizzical look on their faces that makes you want to coo and fuss over them, no matter how much of a nuisance they are.

That makes parents so noble, so admirable. Maybe Picoult-ing has made me think twice; I cannot help but agree that under any circumstances, parents will indeed go as far as they can to protect their loved ones.

Why then, am I such a jerk at times?

Oh, please forgive my mindless words and cutting remarks. Forgive the fact that I lose my patience as easily as a goldfish loses its memory; forgive the fact that all too often, I say too many things too quickly, which I can never take back.

Forgive me, for the fact that I am trying, but I have yet to succeed.

Where do I go from here.

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009, 4:31 PM
Those metal things.


It's a love-hate relationship.
On good days, it's a beauty to watch
the way with which they shape my teeth,
little by little, slowly but surely,
into neat little rows and boxes.

Beams.

On bad days, especially after a session of tightening,
it simply sucks.
A torturous little device
invented to give me hell on certain days,
not forgetting sleepless nights.

Sulks.

Maybe I shall put up a collage of all the different colours
when it's time for the metal things to come off.


Pink and lavender
Pink and red
Dusky blue
Metallic blue
Neon green
Black.


Colours galore! Wheeee~

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Sunday, May 17, 2009, 10:05 PM
Words words words.


See,
there are so many words out there.

Words to describe anything,
happiness,
a bad day,
weariness,
a pleasant surprise,
etc. etc.

Words to show encouragement,
and praise.

Words to define other words,
to show a location,
to indicate the value of something,
to express an irony or contradicting statement,
etc. etc.

I suppose there's more than one reason why I adore words,
as opposed to actions.
It's a source of relief at times,
for I still marvel at the way with which,
I can string alphabets into words,
and words into sentences,
and sentences into a physical form of expression.
Songs, books, plays etc. etc.

There's liberation, and comfort,
in transforming thoughts into words.
At this day and age,
I still confide in that small notebook I call a diary.
It's been my companion every night,
when it's quiet
and easier to recall the day's events.

I would like to be able to devour books,
not literally,
and read for hours and hours
into the day
until I forget where I am,
until the words enrich and fill my soul,
until I am thoroughly satisfied.

(:

I am still undecided about what I want to study in University. Will weighing the pros and cons work? I need a clearer picture of what I will be happy with doing. Maybe a crystal ball into the future would help.

Listening to Savage Garden, I Want You.

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Thursday, May 14, 2009, 9:47 PM
Ambigram me.



Been a tad busy lately, but yep, I caught Angels & Demons with Cunzheng today. It is seriously good, in my opinion. I thought I'd forgotten the storyline already cos' I read the book a long time ago, but watching the scenes unfolding on the screen jogged my memory and while my butt ached after the 2 hour show, I thought it was a very memorable movie.

And as usual, in every movie there's always something in it that will intrigue me. Like in Australia, I was fascinated by Nicole Kidman's sky blue eyes and the entire country itself. In Slumdog, I enjoyed the soundtrack of Jai Ho. In Revolutionary Road, my breath was taken away by the acting skills of the actors on fine form, and the meaning behind the story. Now in Angels & Demons, it's the ambigrams - Illuminati, Earth, Air, Fire and Water.

So I googled ambigrams, and found a website ( in fact, several websites ) that generated customised ambigrams. ( You pay for the full set of ambigrams you create of course, but I managed to cheat my way out. Hence the gray copyright wordings you see below, haha. ) I typed in my name and voila!



Pretty cool, isn't it? I should think so! (:

Okay, I'm gonna have to try on my clothes and heels ( HEELS! ) to see if they're okay for this saturday.

What we have now seems like a sweet honeymoon. You, me and everything else falls into place nicely. But what will happen come August is a huge question mark. I suppose, once again, it will be a test; just like all those that we passed with flying colours (: Stay beautiful.

Listening to Leona Lewis, Angel.

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12:45 AM
Cos I heart thee.



We're all made of amazing stuff. We can think, we can learn to speak many different languages, we can write freely, we can argue, we can do just about anything we want to.

Yet sometimes, what fails us, is our thoughts. Our thoughts from our hearts. I never really believed that real decisions could ever be made from the heart, because experience has taught me before, that such decisions are almost always too shortlived and unworthy to make.

Love is one such decision, as well as friendship.

I changed my mind, however.

And I've been hoping it's for the better. I don't think much anymore; I feel more. I feel, like the sailboat that changes its course every now and then, to seek out a better place to head for. When it's right I will continue in the direction I am going.

At the moment I am quite happy with where I am, though I'm sure things can be better. And I just wanted to say that I'm glad he's by my side to help guide me. In all my dreams he's walked away, all the time. But when I look into his eyes I believe otherwise.

Oh, for so many reasons that even reason cannot understand.

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Tuesday, May 5, 2009, 10:47 PM
Sigh of relief.

Blogger's not being nice to me; I can't seem to upload photos. Never mind then, next time.

Yup I finally made it through the interview at MOE HQ today. A little pissed at the last minute notices and lack of proper instructions ( I was told over the phone this morning at 10am, after a two hour wait, that my slot was at freaking 12.40pm ) but thank god it's over now. The interviewers were friendly and nice, so I think it went well. Shall wait and see what will happen in another 3 weeks' time.

I'm getting the interviews that I need but not the one that I want. I know I shouldn't be griping but oh. It's a terrible wait. All the 'if onlys' are coming up in my head, but then again there's simply no room for any regrets now. Oh NUS letter/ email/ call, where art thou? I'm waiting ~

And yes I'm still missing him so much. Hope he's fine. Can't wait for his return on Thursday! Sigh.

It is moments like this that I wish to retreat further into respite and do nothing else but fill my head with thoughts of him and imagine that he's right there. ( I'm probably getting too possessive and crazed in your opinion, but really, two weeks is pure torture for me. )

Yet I don't know how to react when I see him again. Am I going to go berserk and scream, or am I just gonna stand there and stare at him until I decided that I wasn't dreaming, I don't know.

Absence sure makes the heart fonder, but beyond a certain point in those two weeks I've become somewhat numbed after all the initial bouts of withdrawal symptoms. I'm getting tired already.

But I still think of him, all the time. So for all the days that I've crossed out on the calendar, I'm finally down to just two days. Just, two, days. That's equivalent to 48 hours. Or lesser. Baby baby baby, come back quick.

Listening to Clay Aiken, The Way.

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Monday, May 4, 2009, 7:05 PM
Bad.

This is bad. I got an sms last Thursday afternoon informing me about an BA/BSc interview on 5 May in the afternoon. Okay. So I was told to wait for the letter in my mailbox. Okay. But till now it hasn't come yet.

Called MOE, the officer said she'll get back to me, but apparently no call yet. Singpost better, cannot even find the letter. Urgh. I'm neither here nor there.

What kind of shit is this man.

Now the officer has knocked off work and I gotta check with her again at 8am tomorrow morning.. When my interview is freaking tomorrow? I hate glitches like this. Sigh. Whoever said life is a bed of roses sure got that wrong.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of this helplessness.

Listening to The Script, Breakeven.




Sunday, May 3, 2009, 9:10 PM
Into your beauty.



The loveliest roses I've ever seen; every petal blossomed beautifully.

There were four roses; charming, crimson red roses.

They were so irresistible; I fell in love with their beauty.

The day came when they faded in grace; crimson red churned into blood red.

That was then; I will never forget their romance.

Bring me into your beauty, and carry on dancing.
Tomorrow will be better.

Listening to Leona Lewis, Yesterday.

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Saturday, May 2, 2009, 9:38 PM
Enigma.

At this very moment I am sitting in front of the computer.
With a tub of yogurt.
Marigold Non Fat Yogurt.
Peach mango ( with calcium and fibre ).
Healthier Choice symbol attached, I'm good with that.

I wish it was a tub of Ben & Jerry's though.

Been eating a million weird things lately.
Green bean soup. Prata.
Kachang putih.
Donut. Spicy cheese flavour, YUM.
Steamed salmon.
Two rows of Cadbury Blackforest chocolate bar.
Starbucks' Mocha Frappe, double YUM.
And now, yogurt.

Please tell me that what goes in must come out. I cannot bear the thought ( and sight ) of this in my tummy forever. ( italics; refer to the list above )

I'm getting too random and cynical for my own good.
Oh dear, oh dear.

To occupy my time.
I wanna make my own tote bag.
And make it nice,
so I can at least carry it without any things falling out.
Amal, I need your shirts please.
I'll be eternally grateful.

HAHAHAHA.

Shyt, what have I been talking about here.

Listening to Insomnia, korean version by Wheesung.
Gay highness.

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Friday, May 1, 2009, 7:04 PM
If tomorrow never comes.

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life

Who never knew how much I loved them

Now I live with the regret

That my true feelings for them never were revealed

So I made a promise to myself

To say each day how much she means to me

And avoid that circumstance

Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel...

So tell that someone that you love

Just what you're thinking of

If tomorrow never comes

- Ronan Keating, If Tomorrow Never Comes.

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