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Wednesday, April 29, 2009, 3:29 PM
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?


Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

If the clouds were cotton candy, I would reach out for them and pluck them out of the skies.

I would dye them a different colour each. Pink, purple, blue, orange and yellow.

And what a sight that'd be.

I would twirl around and prance in the fields, my hands sticky with the cotton candy and my lips full of joy.

I wouldn't have a care for the rest of the world.

I would lie on the grassy patch of field and watch as the rest of the day goes by, and I would pluck the cotton candy as they come, dancing gracefully in the skies.

I would wait until the sun sets in the horizon, and say goodbye.

Then I shall wait till the sun comes up again.

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Monday, April 27, 2009, 10:59 AM
The Minute Waltz.

And oh! I find this video very cute and amazing. (: It's Victor Borge and Leonid Hambro playing The Minute Waltz.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWrqtJTEmBk

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10:59 AM
No calls.

Happy birthday, Koh Munling (:

Out of boredom I watched Leap Years again, on the dvd, and somehow this time round it's left me with a rather cynical view on love. Quite an unlikely, 180 degree opposing viewpoint from the first time I watched it, hurhur. Time to get more books from the library to read instead of watching mindless shows!

It's terrible having to miss someone so badly.

No contact, no smses (except those from him), no calls, nothing.

I have the urge to call up someone to meet up, talk cock etc., yet I hesitate to do so. It feels overwhelmingly weird. It's like I'm a random stranger who has long fallen off the radars but really, I haven't.

The list of contacts is long enough, but nothing happened.

Maybe it's the silence that's suffocating.

Is it a just singles thing that's been happening, or have I simply missed out on too many things? Never mind, I'll be fine, I'm fine.

On a side note, I found out via the Joint Acceptance online that NTU Sociology is offering me a place. (: I'm glad, but then I don't know who else to share this good news with. Though I'm still, still hoping for news from NUS...

That's the problem with having no one else to call. I'm pathetic, aren't I? Terrible, terrible.

Listening to The Script, If You See Kay.

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Saturday, April 25, 2009, 3:23 PM
Till he's back.

Till he's back,
I shall be oh so patient and wait for my boy.

Yes, I'm lovesick. Hoho. What to do? (:
It's 13 days, 13 long days. Oh my.

That lucky fella, he gets to fly to Zurich, and Geneva, and here's the coolest thing, Paris! Isn't that just awesome! I can just feel the excitement rising in my mouth whenever I say Paris.

Yala, I know I'm very sua-ku, but I've already made up my mind to save up as much as I can, so someday I can go downtown to Australia. To play and chill. And see all the pretty things there. How fun that'd be! (:

In the meanwhile, I shall have my 'me' days and do something productive to occupy my time. I already have a long list of things-to-do, on top of my tuition kids. Now all the kids out there are preparing for their Mid Years and SA1s, so I need to help my kids prepare well too! Ah, stress. Haha.

And oh, it sucks when the weather is always so terribly hot. Hmph.

I miss my boy, so so much. Have fun love. (:

Listening to Phil Collins, You'll Be In My Heart.

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Monday, April 20, 2009, 10:28 PM
"Thank you"

This happened some time ago, but I suddenly remembered so I thought I'd blog about it before I go to bed. (:

It'd been a simple day out with CZ for lunch at a foodcourt. I remember it was at T3's foodcourt, which was, thank goodness, airconditioned. And I was starving mad that afternoon, craving for laksa with extra hum. So we had our lunch, on the comfy cushion seats, like everyone else there.

Here and there during the meal I watched some aunties, who were the cleaners at the foodcourt, bustling about to clear the tables after the occupants have left, one hand holding a wipecloth, and the other hand stacking the bowls and utensils. ( Even though we're supposed to clear our own utensils after eating... What ever happened to the "Goodness Gracious Me" campaign? )

The aunties were swift in their work, and rather alert too. They didn't stop moving about, and were constantly on the lookout for tables to clear. I watched a cleaner stack the half-emptied bowls from the table with her left hand, which was well-worn with wrinkles, while giving quick strokes of swipes of the wipecloth to clean the table. She was very systematic, very familiar with the task, her face almost expressionless, and I couldn't help but wonder if she found it too mundane an activity to do all the time. But oh well, to earn a living, anything decent counts.

So when she came over to our table to clear our utensils, I watched her quick but familiar movements as she went about the routine. Perhaps it was simply out of courtesy, we both said "thank you" to her when she was done. I don't know about CZ, but I remember watching her look at me, as her face softened a little and she broke into a smile.

I found myself smiling back at her.

And it struck me as a very pleasant experience, yet very few of us will bother to say "thank you" to someone who has been of service to us. Why is it so? Have we taken things granted? Cos' no matter how big or small that service, I believe that it isn't that hard to acknowledge it with a "thank you". Well. I think we should all try to acknowledge someone for their services to us with a "thank you".

(: Good nights world.

Listening to Slumdog Millionaire's OST, Jai Ho.

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Sunday, April 19, 2009, 9:14 PM
I wanna be 17 again too.

Yes, I watched 17 Again today at AMK Hub. Hurhur.

Zac Efron's just about the best eye candy ever. But I still love my boyfriend; he's the best. (: The show's more... substantial, and meaningful, than I had expected. A little predictable, with all the high school kicks and perks of jocks and whatnots, but nonetheless very humorous.

And ummm yeah I agree that it's way too scary to be a dad and watch your own daughter hit on you in your 17 year old self ( cos' she doesn't know you're her dad ). But it's funny, plus it's a bonus watching Efron and his facial expressions enlarged a million times in front of you. Eye candy! Haha.

I wanna be 17 again too, to be young and live through all that jovial nonsense. But then again I realise that I wasn't exactly going through a fantastic phase in life when I was 17, cos' I was still testing waters and stuff, trying to outgrow my child-like self and deal with pimples and puberty... Yeah you get the drift. So m a y b e I'll think about that wish again.

Apart from dreaming. Okay, so my purse is getting a teeny weeny bit fatter lately, all thanks to the tuition assignments. I promise not to grumble about having to get up early or travel anymore. I think. Heh. But yeah, no work, no money. This is reality.

No no, I shouldn't get too money minded. I should be cherishing my family and friends and Mother Nature too. *Breathes* Yup, I love what I have right now.

Now, if only a letter would come...

Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling sleeping sound.
I wanna kiss you and watch you wake up with a sweet smile.

Listening to *where's my letter? where's my letter? i want my letter* running through my head over and over again.

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Saturday, April 18, 2009, 7:29 PM

Good food always, always makes me feel better. Thanks Hekming for the birthday lunch treat at Mad Jack's, it's nice. It's my third set of fish n chips thus far this month. But it's okay, cos it's still nice. Fish is good for the brain. Right? Right.

I've been eating non-stop lately. And I thought I had grown out of the stages of puberty a long time ago.

Still hoping for a letter to come. Please come, please come. And tell me that you've still left a place for me. That's my only (belated) birthday wish. Thank you very much.

And may all my tuition fees come rolling into my pockets so I can save up, and go shopping soon. That's not a wish anymore, it's a reality. (: Money makes the world go round. Love does that too. I'm getting more and more $-minded. Oooh.

Listening to Rascal Flatts, Life Is A Highway.

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Friday, April 17, 2009, 10:12 PM

If we discovered that we only have five minutes left to say all that we wanted to say, every telephone booth would be occupied by people calling other people to stammer that they loved them.

-- Christopher Morley




3:51 PM
Slamming and now, knob-less door.

12.05pm. One word. Drama. I had left my room for a mere five seconds, and the wind came blowing so strong, it slammed my room door, and tada! locked it. I thought it was nothing. Boy was I so wrong. I don't remember the door knob being locked from the inside before that, so I had no idea that it was simply locked just like that.

We had lost the room keys a million years ago, so I fell straight into panic mode. I think anyone would too, especially when you're just about to get ready to leave the house and go out. My entire fortune was in there, including my glasses (which I cannot live without). So, yeah. It was horrible.

AND the locksmith wanted to charge a freaking $40 just to pick the lock. Daylight robbery ah uncle. But luckily it was Dad to the rescue. (: He hacked the entire knob off and gave me access to my room again! Whoopee. Cool eh my daddy. YEAH. Time for a new knob, and a new set of keys.

But throughout this whole drama I effectively missed the plan to go back to NY for Carnival of Hope, a cancer fundraiser event. SPOILER.

What to do? Back to reading Little Men for some comfort, and then soon it's tuition again for Dexter.

[edit]

9.11pm. Just got back from tuition with my cousin, Dexter. He's primary two now, very active and talkative, but has so much room for improvement. I love him for his abundance of energy, and for his vast imagination. Granted that he isn't the best student I've had, but he's definitely the most inquisitive one, always asking me endless, random questions. In short, he's cute. (:

And ummm, I think my mom is seriously pms-ing. But it's pretty interesting, if you ignore the times when she gets on your nerves. I wonder if I'll be like her when I grow up? Hohoho.




1:01 AM
What is love.

Love is the falcon's flight over your sands. Because for him, you are a green field, from which he always returns with game. He knows your rocks, your dunes, and your mountains, and you are generous to him.

- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist.

It is probably a very cheam way of understanding love, but it's nonetheless a thought-provoking perspective. To you, perhaps love holds a completely different meaning altogether, because you are entitled to feel it for yourself. Nobody can tell you what it's like; nobody can define it for you; and more importantly, nobody can deny you of it.

To me, love is special. Words cannot justify it, not at all. So I'll just keep it all in my heart and be thankful for it. I want to be delighted and happy and shy like a teenager, all at once, when I look back at how it had begun to blossom so beautifully.

Yes, it certainly takes two to dance a tango. Dance with me, go on.

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Thursday, April 16, 2009, 10:22 PM
Revolutionary Road.

Caught Revolutionary Road with Cunzheng today. Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio as April and Frank Wheeler, both on fine form. It seems like a subtle reminder of them as a couple in Titantic, only older (probably in their mid 60s or 70s now) and Jack is, well, dead.

But Kate Winslet blows me off, once again. First in The Reader, and now, in Revolutionary Road. Loved her performance in the shows. I am truly mesmerised by her.



Revolutionary Road is set in the year 1955. It is meaningful, but is especially so when you have been through all the... essentials in life -- finding true love, deriving a motivation that is enough to decide that you want live a happily-ever-after life with your partner, getting married, gradually feel stuck in a job that you dont really enjoy doing, and then finding yourself disillusioned by everything else in your life.

It's amazing, the way we carry our dreams and hopes and aspirations, hoping to live them the way we want to. Yet when the colours fail to fill up all the grey areas, it appears that everything that you've lived for has simply collapsed. Such fragility. I'll never forget all the yelling (crying out F*** YOU, APRIL! while pointing his damn tensed finger at her) and raised fists and bulging veins of Frank when his wrath was angered; I remember telling myself that if I ever had such a husband I'll leave him, in a heartbeat.

But this has truly been a dazzling performance by the main cast of actors and actresses. The show's kinda hard to follow in the beginning but the characters simply rope you into their lives onscreen.

I enjoyed myself thoroughly today. Oh and I do agree that we must have been the youngest people in the cinema theatre; the rest of the audience were way older. (:

I'm off to read my Little Men now.




Tuesday, April 14, 2009, 9:39 PM
Change of Heart.

I've finally finished reading Change of Heart. It's a wonderfully brilliant and yet very in-depth thinking kinda read. And by the time I finished reading the very last sentence of the book, I was savouring the very delicate ending that Jodi Picoult had offered.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me...

Sometimes we only see what we want to, instead of what's in front of us. Sometimes it's simply because we don't see clearly at all. We don't always get second chances. In life, or in death. But what if we do? What will we do with it then? Will this time guarantee a better outcome, for anyone, for all?

Maybe what some of us need is a second chance to make things right again.

I never used to cherish much about your feelings. It was mean and selfish of me, but back then I was still learning to figure things out. Somewhere along the way I began to open up, to free up a little more room for your heart, in mine. But you gave me more than just a heart; you gave me a heart of feelings and emotions and love and compassion and joy and laughter, all the things that I've never felt so strongly with anyone else before.

Yet now, I'm afraid to lose everything that you've given me. It's the least sanguine realisation, almost too pessimistic for my own good. But if that day ever comes, I don't wish for a second chance anymore, but rather, I'll wish for all the shared memories to never fade away.

Yeah, I'm god-damned selfish. I'll learn to be less so.

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Monday, April 13, 2009, 8:07 PM
All we want is hot, hot.

At my mother's request, I decided to try teaching her how to use the computer. And I realise that I may be fluent in teaching kids their English and Mathematics and Science, but I sound very ridiculous in computer terminology, especially since I translated the words in Chinese for my mama to understand. Conclusion: she needs more practice.

Yeah I think it's the erratic weather that's making me feel so worn out. It feels as if the air and energy within me has been sucked out, and I feel empty inside. I feel stuck, somehow. Somehow even Jodi Picoult cannot make me feel better. It's that time of the month, so yeah, my body's going through all the transitions and stuff.

To quote cunzheng, 心静自然凉. So I'm gonna just plug in my iPod and chill until I feel my mood coming back.

Listening to Lady Gaga, Boys Boys Boys. Trashy song but bouncy tune.

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Saturday, April 11, 2009, 11:59 PM
Vermicelli and eggs.

I'm savouring the vermicelli and eggs that my mama cooked for me, it's lovely. She told me to crack open the peeled boiled eggs into half, and say auspicious words before eating the eggs with vermicelli. (: I think it's nice of her to prepare it for me.

Earlier on I had spent the afternoon with Cunzheng at our favourite haunt. Thank you for the big bag, as Jonathan puts it. (: I love it, and you bet I'm gonna bring it with me everywhere I go. Hahaha. The day we spent was simple, walking around, talking. Yeah. I think that's what I need.

Fish n Co was great, as usual. The strawberry cheesecake was nice, savoury, but I think I was too full to enjoy it properly. Oh well. Next time! (:

And I was amazed to see so many birthday wishes on facebook! Haha. To you, you, you, you and you. Thank you, thank you! (:

Guess being 20 doesn't FEEL like much, but it's definitely the start of many things ahead.

Thanks for making this day a special and wonderful one, everyone!




Friday, April 10, 2009, 9:54 PM
A little drained.

Have you ever felt like all you wanted to do is simply crawl in bed and laze around doing nothing, even though you already aren't even doing any substantial things in the first place?

I am feeling that way right now. This very moment, right now. It's pathetic but lately I feel like my energy is running low on its reserves. Like the feeling that you can't do anything right? Yeah, that's draining me out too.

HMMM.

But then again, it's not as if I'm usually seen running about with such an outburst of abundance of energy. Haha. Oh well. Gotta recharge and get some positivity back!




5:27 PM
Ahhh.

I have a terribly bad habit. Ummm. More than just one habit actually, but yeah this one's kinda bad. All you people out there who cannot stand seeing blood, this is not for you.

(Naw I'm not gonna post any bloody pictures here, dont worry.)

See, whenever I am idle and doing nothing or feeling nervous or just plain freaked out, I tend to peel the skin off my thumb. More accurately, it's the area of skin surrounding the thumbnail. There's something strangely comforting about doing that, all the obscene peeling that my index finger does for the thumb. Lol.

Sometimes I peel more than just skin; it gets to the meat itself. So it bleeds whenever that happens, leaving me with no end but to give up on any further damages, and wait for the skin to heal. Until today I was fine by that, but today it bled like MAD. Like, whoa, sorry I went too deep. Ahhh. I think watching your blood flow like that is a cheap thrill only for a moment; after that it's just crazy. So now my right thumb is wrapped with a huge wad of tissue paper, held by a handiplast. Haha. Gross shit. Yeah.

I try kicking this bad habit, but what to do? The index finger gets itchy sometimes. Haha.

Listening to Cyndi Lauper, Time After Time.

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Thursday, April 9, 2009, 10:05 PM
Shattered and screwed up, sort of.

I am so relieved that the interview and written test at NTU sociology dept today is over. I screwed up quite abit, in my opinion, but I can comfort myself with the fact that I fought (with words not my fists) quite gallantly for my chance, so all that's left to do is to pray that a letter or email or call of confirmation, or reassurance will come, soon. Please please tell me it's okay.

The written test wasn't so bad, it was a passage much like those in GP compre. At least I could figure out a substantially coherent argument in my head and let my words flow through my pen, to paper. Question one was fine, I think I did well, but my first screw up was in answering question two. I kinda beat around the bush in my answers, and it was pretty obvious, cos after the test (during the interview) the prof sought an explanation for my substandard answers. Hmmm. I think I must have sounded pretty disoriented in my most of my replies to his questions, cos I jumped kinda about from one point to another. My worst weakness in GP, I remember. Fatal second screw up. Sigh. To make things worse I took quite a while to ponder over all his questions, and with every second that passed between his question and my answer, the whole room was dead silent. Seriously, like I wasn't freaked out enough. Urgh.

And I actually cried a little while on the way to NTU, on the freaking MRT train. Zzz. Dont know what was going on in my head but I think I was damn nervous. Glad that it's over now. Pity I didn't get to catch up with Amal after that. I owe him some money! Oh well.

Cunzheng tried to find his travel maps for Paris at Borders and Kino but he couldn't find good ones. Never mind, we'll go find them again soon okay! I'm sure they can be found! Yeahhhh. Tuition for Shi Pei just now was not bad, she's a very pleasant child to teach. Hurray, I'm getting the hang of things so far. Good, good. Haha.

Oh, there's a rather big scale funeral wake being held underneath my block at the void decks. Damn alot of people are downstairs, and lots of chatters and mahjong noise. Big scale ah. I wonder if my funeral will be like that, with lots of people. I wonder what they'll think of me, and how will they remember me?

Listening to the noise downstairs. Haha.

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Wednesday, April 8, 2009, 9:40 PM
CHUI.

This post is damn chui because it's a reminder of how chui I am in person. But ah, heck it.

People who know me will probably also know that if I'm allowed to wear my baggy, oversized shirts and short shorts to all the places that I go to, then that will be something I am definitely capable of doing. But apparently, in my shirt and shorts I look very chui, and people dont go "wow, look at her. stunning." First impressions count, alot, and while I'm damn reluctant to go through all the hassles of having to dress up and look presentable, I guess it's the only way to go.

You must be thinking that I'm such a loser to be ( still ) decked out in unfashionable pieces, but really, if I could, I would very much like to stick to my own fashion, no matter how chui I may look. Maybe it's an eyesore to you. And to you. But it's comfortable, very comfortable. It's me.

My boyfriend disagrees. Sure he doesn't mind me in my chui clothes, but he's right, we all dress up for an occasion to show our respect for it, and to look good. We look good, we feel good, other people feel good about us too. Looking good turns heads, and demands more attention than your average-looking girl does. Looking good leaves the right impressions ( no matter what the impression may be ). We want to be proud of our partners, to flaunt them to friends and family, and feel happy that they bothered to dress up nicely for them.

And thinking about this just lets the inferiority complexes kick in, subconsciously. CHUI AH. Damn, I want to look good like the girl I saw on the streets the last time I went out. Damn damn damn.

Yeah I know, I'm thinking way too many scary thoughts to scare myself about tomorrow's interview. Time to un-nerve and chill about it.

How? By being a couch potato, do nothing else but read Jodi Picoult's novels. Read about other people's charged emotions and pretend you're in their shoes, fighting a crisis.

Wish me luck for tomorrow. Wish me luck for my life. ((:

Listening to James Morrison, Broken Strings.

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Tuesday, April 7, 2009, 9:56 PM
its a secret deal.

If I could list down everything that I fell in love with you for, it'd be an endless list.

It will include all the little things that we went through, good and bad ones, captured in the silent but colourful moments of time, like Polaroid snapshots of you and me.

We laughed and giggled together; we cried before making up.
We sang nice songs in offkey tones; we talked about everything under the sun.
We ate, we played, we read books, we went shopping too.
And we still have a long way to go.

See, I havent forgotten all these.

I think it's in the nature of girls to remember everything that she's been through, good and bad ones, and she will be courageous to pick herself up when things go wrong, and move on. Yeah, the mystery of girlhood.

Life has been good so far, for us both. It may not be an exciting ride all the time, since the rollercoaster has been slowing down somewhat to allow us to breathe and think properly about so many things. Yet the rollercoaster does go up as well.

I agree with Xuewei's statement, Heaven is fair. Happy sixth month (:

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Monday, April 6, 2009, 9:57 PM
why.

Why do my moods change like a swinging pendulum? Why do they change so easily?
Why am I able to rejoice over something big, and yet why is it that such a little thing can spoil my day so completely?

Why?

Am I being petty or narrowminded? Was I being mean to nitpick?
Or was it because I happened to be there at the wrong place, and wrong time? And was it because you also happened to be at the wrong place with me, at the wrong time, so you suffered the brunt of my frustrations?

Why?

It is simply because I have let my anger override my disappointment. I spoke before I could think. But I am not proud of this recklessness and arrogance.

Let's just keep the moment intact the next time round.




Saturday, April 4, 2009, 10:46 PM
Been up all nights.

There is a serious error in my computer if the blue screen error keeps popping up and shutting down my computer when I least expected it to, and that is despite reformatting it twice. I've lost all my photos and documents again! Hmph. The computer guy can only come down on wednesday, so I'll have to wait. Ahhh. I absolutely detest it when glitches in technology send me into a frenzy, cos it's so annoying.

Okay. So I'm becoming a little more nocturnal recently. By reading Jodi Picoult's novels and watching TV and doing all sorts of stuffs to entertain myself cos I can't get to sleep. Yet it's the shittiest feeling to force yourself to get up early the very next day, especially when you know it's a long day ahead. Must-do: Readjust body clock.

NTU sociology dept called me yesterday about an interview and written test, next week. So soon. Now I'm just wondering if there's anything I need to prepare beforehand for the interview. Hmmm. Maybe another must-do: Read the newspapers.

Sidetracking abit, I think it's getting to be a real pleasure to tutor kids. Sure it is tiring. It really isn't much to look forward to when you're already tired. But looking back, it's been an enjoyable experience.

And I believe we've had a good time today, doing the dinner and salad for my family. (:
Apples, ham, eggs, prawns, tomatoes, crabstick meat, sunflower seeds, lots of leaves, and thousand island dressing.