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Friday, July 25, 2008, 11:14 PM

What I'm trying to say is that
I'm feeling a change and
I'll let it take all over
If you need time away
I won't ask you to stay
But I don't want to lose you
- Feelings Show, Colbie Caillat

I dont know where I should start this entry simply cos there's been so many things happening all at once these days. Lets see. Good, bad, happy and sad. So typical of me, I know. Shrugs.

The countdown banner is already up on the college website; 96 days and counting. Its pretty crazy to even think about it.

I randomly asked myself. What do I see myself doing in ten years' time? Maybe I'll be happily settled down with a satisfying career, and a family. Or I could be wandering, drifting about, still unsure of my life and what to make of it. The possibilities are endless.

I definitely dont want the latter to happen.

I am still a teenager, a college kid, all but 19 years old. I'm moving on to becoming a young adult. I am anxious, yet reluctant.

I was reminded 3 times today that by surviving the next 3 months, or rather, 96 days, well enough to make it past the exams and into a University, I get 81 years of future bliss and happiness. That is, if I get to live to a hundred. But thats besides the point.

As much as I'd hate to admit it, there's some truth in it. Play hard, and you play the fool. Nah, I'm not the play-play sort. But I'll still cross my fingers and toes and pray that it will all be good in the end. I havent forgotten this heartfelt wish of Yvonne's since I first heard it from her.



I want to help myself. Cos it seems that nobody else is gonna help me but myself.

In the next 96 days to come, I have to cut out distractions. So I'm telling myself to cut down on the frequency of blogging, of reading blogs. Dont get me wrong; I enjoy blogging. With each entry, it builds on to a collection of my thoughts, as little as they may seem. One day I'll look back and marvel at how far I've come.

Its been habitual for me to read other people's blogs; thats partly what blogs are here for. I always go to Xuewei's Livejournal, to Yvonne's blog, to Amal's, to anywhere that I can get links to. Its endless. I read each entry, like voices telling stories. I feel their emotions, rich and pure and fascinating, sometimes sad and grouchy, as they share their experiences. And yet its with each blog, with each day that passes, that I find out about how much I've missed out on, in these people's lives.

I realise that for results to come, you pay a small price. You sacrifice some things. Maybe this has been my sacrifice. Its the time that I lose, to try and hold onto people, as they go away leading such different lives from mine.

And I pray that it'd better be worth it.

Here we go! I'm so gonna make it. Oh yes baby.

Listening to Chris Daughtry, It's Not Over.

Labels:




Saturday, July 19, 2008, 10:49 PM



WHERE IS MY SUPERMAN?

Sigh.

I realise that eating an Oreo Mcflurry during the cold weather, like when it rained so beautifully today, makes the Oreo bits taste especially sweet and chocolately. Nice. That Macdonald's guy gave me extra swirls of the ice cream. Happiness. And finishing up that entire cup of sinful delight gives the ultimate satisfaction. Laws of diminishing returns cannot apply here, no matter what.

I feel like I've just let slip of time like sand running through my fingers; the 24hours today just vanished like that. I'm so guilty of wasting it away.

Listening to Fall For You, by Secondhand Serenade.




Friday, July 18, 2008, 8:13 PM

Its becoming a daily routine, with the exception of the weekends - that with every minute, every second ticking their way towards 1700, my heart gets so impatient I tap my feet and wriggle around in my seat till its time for dismissal. Sigh.

DISCIPLINE, DISCIPLINE.

Remember, not too long ago, how I packed up my desk and cleared the papers and notes into files? Now as I look around my room, its back to square one again. No, even worse. How did that even happen? Its scary how papers can pile up so fast. But then again, I'm just too lazy and careless. Time for another springcleaning!

I was just telling Ziwei today, when he came back to collect his SGC and certs, that in the midst of their preparations for Uni, the girls ( whom I know ) have all become so immaculately pretty and honestly, I'm awestruck. At the same time, a little ashamed of myself - for still being the plain Jane.

Random. I read this somewhere, some time ago.

" I've always wondered, how pleasing it would be to be head-turningly beautiful, so that the people whom I meet would recoil slightly in open-mouthed awe, which is what I seem to do when confronted by someone stunning. "

Pardon me, but I'm quite intrigued by this. I agree with it. Well well. As much as I know it will never happen to me.

But whatever happened to the inner beauty? I guess nobody gives a damn about it anymore.

Times have changed. I'm still fazed by the sight of girls, in their short skirts, long legs, doe-eyed, putting on makeup in the school toilets during their breaks; all that feeling of inferiority swells up within me and I balk, turning away.

Such generation gaps - makes me feel ashamed, for some silly reason. But then, the guys have it good for them - the girls and their looks.


I think I'm better off burying myself in the books till my glasses grow an inch thicker, and the pages of the books rot away. Hah(:

Listening to Wow, Kylie Minogue.




Thursday, July 17, 2008, 7:38 PM

As the days pass, its getting easier to survive the 5pm everyday. Though there are still times when I'm so worn out I just want to do absolutely nothing else. Cos honestly, sometimes the pressure to study accumulates so much, it turns me off.

But I know thats not practical, not to mention that I dont really have any choice, but to make full of use of every little bit of time I can get on my hands. Though most of the time, the mind is so unwilling to obey. Unfortunately.

Something's been tugging at the back of my mind since school began. Now I know what it is. Thing is, I am quite impatient to know if I'm actually progressing along the way. I'm quite sure my results so far do not prove anything yet. Its annoying to know that in the process of doing things, progress is almost immeasurable.

Still, I thank my stars for having everyone's support(:

The Prelims timetable is out. I can almost visualise the exam hall, solid and cold, the air hanging heavy with tension. Chairs scraping, papers rustling, and then its silence.

I was telling Ms Chiew yesterday that time really flies. So fast, I cant believe how I passed the days. Believe it.

Today we reviewed an AQ on the topic of blogging and the blogosphere, and its impact on our society. Apart from all the things I want to say about blogging, I just wanted to say that I quite enjoyed Ms Peh's lecture style, especially the way she makes AQs interesting enough ( without giving me the gagging feeling I always get when I'm facing an AQ ). Makes me look forward to the next session!

My tutorials beckon me.

Listening to Someone Like Me, by Atomic Kitten.

Reading Tuesdays With Morrie, by Mitch Albom --- a bus-ride-home read.




Sunday, July 13, 2008, 10:27 PM


Fish n Co-ed with 0621 last night, to also celebrate the belated birthdays of Hek Ming and Shu Heng. It was good to see them again, despite all the NS talk. Whoops.

There's so much I want to say, but I dont know where and how, to start.

There's this little glow in me which is dying out, but I'm going to rekindle it again, by hook or by crook. I dont know how long it will take, so please grant me patience.

Listening to A Lonely September, by Plain White Tees.

Reading Harvesting the Heart, Jodi Picoult. (Fret not, its just a bedtime read; I wont be so foolish as to abandon my study time.)




Friday, July 11, 2008, 9:51 PM



Man are such restless beings. This I conclude from a conversation I had with a senior, and it had all started with an innocent comment. MEN especially, are restless creatures, who only stir in the face of beauty. Correct me if I'm wrong. I know women are like that too, but more often than not, the guys sway more.

Unless I can find out for myself one day, I think I shall hold this true for all the guys.

School's getting more hectic by the days, with the fact that its July already. Shudders. There are times when I want to just surrender and ask myself, what the hell am I still doing here, studying?

But then I realise I do have a purpose in coming thus far. I still have a goal to reach to.

Its just that, sometimes I get tired of trying to reach out to that goal.

But no, I wont stop now. Its stupid to want to give up.

Listening to Shayne Ward's Breathless.




Thursday, July 10, 2008, 8:48 PM

I am halfway through the book Mr Darcy's Diary by now. Pride and Prejudice was one of my favourite, and still is. I was thinking,

Absence, or simply forgotten?

Either way, I often find myself stuck in these situations. Maybe it's cos of my personality, or the way I am with people.

It's never been easy for me to maintain close relationships with people I know. I believe it's just me, for being the all too boring person that I am, often lost to others until some chance encounter happens.

I've always thought it is nice to know that I'm not forgotten, in a way(: Though I also know that it's selfish cos we all have our own lives to lead.

Those we're-best-friends-forever and my-fav-girlfriends are labels that has never happened to me, and I doubt they will. I've always found them too sticky and endearing, in one way or another.

For I've always enjoyed independence as an individual, yet at times this independence doesnt do me any good. Cos as much as I can scorn these terms, I suspect that I am just secretly jealous.


Listening to Realize, by Colbie Caillat.

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now

Take time to realize
Oh oh, I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you
Take time to realize
This could all pass you by
Didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you




Wednesday, July 9, 2008, 10:15 PM

I've just finished a really heartfelt post-LTC reflection email to the rest of the Prefects, and having done it makes me feel good and wanting more. Though I've my share of regrets during the camp itself, I guess I'm glad that I did take steps to step up and open up. Ultimately, they've all left the camp with lessons learnt and a greater awareness of their leadership potentials.

Thus far, I've gotten back my Chemistry, Math and Physics papers. E, C and C. So far so good I guess. But I know I could have done better than what I did. As I always say. Sigh.

Listening to Shayne Ward's Breathless.




Tuesday, July 8, 2008, 3:09 PM

I am still very tired. This is despite sleeping for 8hours to regain my energy. I guess I need more hours of proper sleep.

The thing is, I miss LTC already. CCAC, and the sea breeze. And the Prefects. And the W/Ws. Sigh.

Now I'm back to civilisation to resume school and life. But I'm still quite reluctant to do so.

Getting back the Midyr papers this week, and I can only say that I'm freaking proud of my ex-boss already. Way to go man.

This girl needs to sleep in some more now. Yawns.




Monday, July 7, 2008, 9:26 PM

Back from LTC'2008. It was quite an experience, and with each day that passes, I learn something precious from things that happen, and from the people I meet and work with(:

Actually I think this post will be quite a mess, for my body is real shagged and tired (having slept for about an hour at 5am this morning) and I cant think properly yet.

Currently as I'm typing this entry, I am applying some moisturiser onto my face, for I am sunburnt, gained a sore throat, am aching all over the body with bruises from God-knows-where, and I keep hearing the roar of planes that take flight across the skies of Changi.

At CCAC, the planes fly by at least once every two to three minutes; I suppose being there for 4 days has made my ears immune to the roaring of these planes. Now its still haunting my ears, and its scary. Roarrr goes the plane!

Another amazing thing at CCAC is definitely the bunks that directly faces the sea, and at night, the wonderfully cold sea breeze. I absolutely loved it. Oh yes. Riding the same sea full of choppy waters and rare horse-like waves in the kayak was simply fantastic.

Some photos to share, of my group Lovegood at their Dragon and Golden Egg Quest:

At the rockwall.


See that broomstick? (:




At the zipline!

I guess, that at the end of it all, I'm glad LTC'08 has ended on a good note(:

My acknowledgement list is endless. It goes out to all the Prefects, Profs, and of course, the Witches and Wizards. Lovegood especially(: Thank you for all the memories.

There's school tomorrow; and my new timetable is horrible. Sigh.




Thursday, July 3, 2008, 10:33 PM

Tomorrow tomorrow! LTC'08. Oooh.

I was tagged by Anqing to do this. Well I had been tagged by some others before that, and I kept off from doing it cos I was lazy to. LOL. So here goes.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Shock, cry like shyt, become an emotional wreck, and only then I'll start to get over him. It can get pretty crazy.

2. If you can have dreams come true, what would they be?
I am quite greedy(: But most definitely, it's to be a happy woman with loved ones and being successful in the things I may do. Ah, the joy of having dreams.

3. What will your dream wedding be like?
Dont know! I havent thought that far yet.

4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
Not until I'm done with my A levels this year. Whats next? Now I'm confused.

5. What is your ideal lover like?
One who loves me who I am, and who I am not.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Selfishly, its to be loved. But I like the bliss of loving someone too. That's what love is about, I feel. Its mutual.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
I dont really know actually.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Wish him and his her well. What else can I do?

9. Is there anything that made you unhappy these days?
Yes. Sigh. Not just these days. I think people reading this and know me well enough may agree - that I am almost always emotional. I know, I'm such a self-defeating being.

10. Is being tagged fun?
Yeah, almost. Feels like being on a tv show, people watching, and the spotlights's on you. Tadah.

11. How do you see yourself in ten years time?
I dont really know. Urgh. I should like to be successful in my career, and also be able to have travelled more widely. To be a happier being too. Ah.

12. Who are currently the most important people to you?
My family, definitely. And friends. And my tutors in college. All these people have come a long way to help me and guide me, everyday. I cant thank them enough.

13. What kind of person do you think the one who tagged you is?
A devoted and passionate girl, always believing in the good of people. That's the Anqing that I knew since primary school.

14. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
Single and rich. But I'll probably end up being unhappy, lol.

15. What is the first thing you do every morning?
Open my eyes, duh. Then its some tossing and turning before I decide to drag myself out of bed.

16. Would you give it all in a relationship?
Yes, if I can trust that person well enough to give my heart and all to. Sorry to be selfish, but yes.

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
I dont know too. Havent been in that situation before. I guess I'll pick the one who loves me back.

18. What type of friends do you like?
No particular preference! Well, especially people with whom I can relate and talk to. People who can understand and accept me for who I truly am. I think this is a two-way thing. Umm is that too greedy of me?

19. What type of friends do you dislike?
Liars, those who betray, backstab you.


I wont be tagging people, but if you happen to come across this then why not?

Till Monday(: May LTC'08 be a blast.

Listening to Stay Beautiful, by Taylor Swift.




Wednesday, July 2, 2008, 9:44 PM

Post exams is the next best thing after swimming and watching aeroplanes at the airport. Feels good to be "free", or almost free, once again. Lester and I spent the bus journey on 853 this morning, each in our own thoughts on the things to do, now that we're both free. From the midyears at least. Haha.

Now LTC's the next event to go(: I've yet to pack my bags yet, and the list of things to bring seems terribly long. So its gonna be me and the fat ass bags and camp. And Lovegood, and everyone else. I'm sure it will turn out good(:

After the paper, met Amal to do some shopping at Army market, and after getting FBTs and ponchos and whatnots, walked down to Haji Lane, and Arab Street for prata. Last stop was Bugis. I realise that I'vent really been to town to walk or shop for months now, since the start of April. Shudders.

Shopping's never really been my forte anyway.

This afternoon was good, despite the sweat and hot weather. I meant the company(: I'll never forget how we spent a good half an hour in Sasa, with the perfume scents and crushed strips of perfumed papers that eventually smelt " like some citrus-y nice smell, and it's really nice!". Haha. And that neon green Superman jacket. 15bucks is freaking cheap, but not worth my while to even wear that jacket. The Green Lantern ring is really cool though.

Subsequently met up with Jonathan Lau at Macs, and man did we crack our heads over ideas and solutions. He's quite a nice guy to begin with. His laughter is really hearty and infectious!

And thus I'm now home, feeling quite tired after the long day today, LOL. Tomorrow's another day out - swimming, Godfather trilogy, and a birthday dinner.

And I have yet to pack up.

Listening to Love Song, by Sara Bareilles.




Tuesday, July 1, 2008, 2:14 PM



Here is a girl. The girl is me. She wants to clear her emotional baggage. Its been a trying journey, and she has more to go. She knows its selfish of her to be so self-indulgent and emotional and miserable and all despite everything and everyone else, but she hasnt felt this way for a long long time now.

Chemistry papers 1 and 2 were difficult today. On the whole, I'm afraid the results aint much to look forward to. I knew I should have memorised the definition for the primary structure of protein!

My hair is getting too unruly and unkempt. Yikes. But its brown in a way that I like, and I doubt I'll ever want to dye my hair.

Besides swimming and slacking around in bed, I guess the next best thing to do is to watch the aeroplanes take off into the sky. I liked counting them from the viewing gallery, and how they took off, up and away until they disappeared from my sight. For each of them taking off I used to make up wishes and think about them as the planes flew. That they will take my wishes away with them, and possibly let God know what I wished for.

I no longer do that.

So I suppose its time I grew up. But I doubt I'll ever stop watching them fly, up and away.