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Tuesday, March 28, 2006, 1:50 PM
sorry i've been leaving my blog to dust and dirt bleah. theres been so many things going on simultaneously in my life these days so much so i've lost track of time; studies include lectures and rushing of tutorials, meeting new friends and all, been cca-hopping about, plucking up my courage to do something i havent intended to do at all.. i'm upset that all these while i had failed to be a friend, a friend who failed to look beyond and think beyond the naked eye can see. i'm so sorry for being so superficial and all. i was so blind! i'm settling down in the new environment, now that o2 is over; it was a blast! dancing with joel was fun. he made a spontaneous pardna and i really enjoyed it all. thanks for the dance joel. i'm kinda enjoying the time spent with CT 0621 :) they are really humourous jokers and enthu bunch o peeps and what with the ACC [aka act cute club] and their poses. eveyones so nice and friendly, life aint gonna get any more dreary with them around. i know that :) and thanks to tricia for the note! so sweet. recently i havent been talking much to my family; i feel so distant from them now. urgh. but my mom had kinda sat me down and we kinda talked bout some issues and somehow i feel closer to home. home sweet home.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006, 2:10 PM
good things come and go; its such a vicious cycle huh? nothing ever remains stagnant cos we gotta move on, and along the way we often stumble in trepidation, blindly grabbing the air for some intangible strands of hope. time never waits for man; its a race. a race that man is bound to lose. - but i guess it all happens to us at different stages of our lives. we fall, we lose hope. a friend comes along and pulls you to your feet; everything starts anew!back to earth. soemtimes i wonder, what have i gotten myself into? i'm like groping my way through this thick maze and what makes it worse is the darkness that settles in my mind. its an endless journey that leads to who-knows-where. or rather, god-knows-where. how i wish i could turn back time.
Monday, March 13, 2006, 1:10 PM
helluva time i had today; some good, some bad. imagine how i dragged my feet to take the blardy train to kallang at freaking 7 am.. then came the fun part! dragonboating :] i still gotta grasp the techniques and strokes properly; twist and turn, form J pattern in the water, note your posture! "coordination! ah left side what happened?! focus!" wow..its a challenge to maintain the rhythm and frequency. esp for someone like me; a dork with no sense of synchronisation or whatsoever. kinda tiring. then i think about tmr's training? soccer (? coordination i guess!) and gym.. oh no. i feel a faint coming on.. gonna be a challenge for my puny arms. rahh. am gonna get uniforms tmr; wonder how it'll look on me. weird huh. i still prefer our pinafore.
" starring at the maple leaf; leaning on my mother's tree, i said to myself we all lost touch.. " that wont happen eh? - can the old man with beard hear me? i hoped so..
Sunday, March 12, 2006, 12:30 PM
" you touched my hands, all warmth and comfort; cuddled me tight, in the twilight. then i open my eyes; you were gone from sight. let me know, if this is for the best; why are you stealing my heart, stealing my soul? "i'm like a fish out of waters. neither here nor there! thats the whole idea of starting anew i guess; being out of my comfort zones. i never thought it would be this hard. time is essence.
sometimes, i question if theres really an old man with a beard up in heaven, who answers the calls of the world.. i wonder if he hears me calling. i think he does, but sometimes i feel he isnt there at all.. soemtimes he makes me feel so guilty for the sins i done, and i wallow in shame; for letting down my loved ones when they cared so much for me; for letting pride overwhelm my soul when they say it comes after a fall.. and a hard one at that. sometimes i wish he'd just take me away; up to the skies when theres no pain or sorrow but wonderful tomorrows. i'm daydreaming cos it cant be true..
" i hide behind a masquerade of tears. unveiling a curtain of emptiness. am i living up to the scripts of my life? will i be ready when the curtainlights fall.. "
- i'm looking forward to ny's orientation next week, after the hols. hopefully it'll be a wonderful experience.
Friday, March 10, 2006, 1:00 PM
crashed aj's orientation finale on thurs; kinda bored but seeing the familiar faces and bouncing about was just about enough to lift my spirits. "keep to this path, dont wander off; then i'm sure we'll make it."
such comforting words. the eye-apple segment was interesting; mainly cos i was cheering for jon dixon anthony and weekeong onstage. haha. i often relate the laughter that afternoon with the days i spent in aj with odac and 0406; so funfilled and simply outta this world! 0406pae headed for taka [ jess denise feline jancy cherk jinken sentat cuthbert wenglok and me] so indecisive were we about where to eat! rahh.
"standing at the crossroads, nobody's here but me. am trying to clear my doubts, hovering round. then i saw you there."
the days were bittersweet. some more than the others. i guess i knew it all along! now that its true, it hurts. alot. i was avoiding it all this while..
life's too short for compromising.
thats why i ought to let go.
Tuesday, March 7, 2006, 9:00 AM
ny. this week gonna have academic lectures and admin stuffs which i dread. and hi to vanessa grace huichun chenghong yan nee!.. ny. nice building.. but theres this sense of emptiness that i cannot bear. i came with a heavy heart and left with a heavier one. i cant believe it. looking around the place seeing a sea of faces i cannot fathom makes me feel lost, like when i was little and couldnt find my mom at the shopping centre because i was disobedient and let her hand loose from mine.. it took me a split second to realise i was so wrong; and i regretted it. - i always do. why me?went back to aj on impulse; seeing them dance and the wonderful smiles they gave lifted my spirits. like, totally! caught hugs and many pats on the back from them; thanks! jess! jaclyn! nellyn! rachel! wynee! more.. and so, i must stop moping and start moving.. only the appeal will seal my fate now. rahh. it stands b/w me and AJ. my gut feeling tells me time will halt here for me; it will not work out as i hope it will. the AJ chapter must close for now. so there!
"i gripped her tight
but she lost the fight;
the night seemed so long
and gloomy with this song.
i've lost her
her smile and tear;
deep within the wounds
gone with the moon."
Monday, March 6, 2006, 12:33 PM
officially hooked onto pool. all thanks to jes and cherk and all there. wow. 04.06's outing to eastcoast on friday was ok. calmed me down a lil after being so jittery and all about the postings; got posted to ny. now i am tanned brown and peeling a lil. pity jes denise marilyn and gang who travelled the way by road to meet us. we cycled to bedok jetty [ where my bike turned the tables against me and attacked! i lost the fight duh. bruises on my knee. rahh ] went to walk-walk at suntec. fiddled around at toys-r-us! brings out the childish side of the girls. haha. later me jes denise cuthbert and cherk headed to play pool! lol. it was great! my energy dwindled to nothing after two odd hours into the game.. tired to bits. physically and mentally. the crazy thoughts came back to haunt me slowly.. the thought of leaving aj hurts. alot. especially when you recall the fun we've had! oh its hard to let everything go. then my gut feeling tells me the dumb appeal will never work out for me; somehow, i feel that life sucks. my faith is dwindling to nothing.. -today we went for pool again. i desperately needed to get out! do something to stop selfpity.. this time feline sentat and denise's bro shawn [ i think thats how you spell his name ] came along too. pool energy level for me was an all-time low [ uh, not that i've played ALOT but.. ] todays been not bad. except that feline and denise's sudden passion for physics kinda irked me. rahh.. i shant comment!
jaclyn said this on her blog once:
" dont cry because its over, but smile because it happened."
thank you aj. for the memories.
Friday, March 3, 2006, 2:55 PM
rahh. think todays gonna be my last day in AJ.. everyones saying i can make it back here, but i really doubt so. i know i should just let go, but theres too far too much for me to lose. everythings like vanishing into thin air! the teachers (mr wee!) the people (04/06 always..and odac too!) everything! its like a something weighing down on my shoulders. so heavy i dont wanna release. - watching the odac video made me cry; the pictures will be my best memory of aj odac. [touched]04.06! shall miss you guys lots.